Run Britain day 50: Ilfracombe to Lynmouth

I am one quarter of my way through the time that I have targeted to run the coastline of Britain in. In the last 50 days, I have run 1899km and in the meantime, I have raised £14,200 (which means I am also 25% of my way to my fundraising target).

But tonight, for the first time since I started running around the coastline of Britain, I feel toxic.

That old trait of truly believing that inside I’m a rotten person has managed to creep back in.

I don’t feel like I’m doing much good. I feel like Run Britain is just showboating, but me, the actual human person inside, is a bad person.

It’s hard to match that with the bucket loads of praise and support that I’m receiving for taking on this challenge. But right now, this evening, I feel like that praise belongs to the image of the person l that I chose to project, rather than the person inside.

I can take comfort in the fact that I know my self-esteem has fallen a lot lower than this in the past. I can also take comfort in the fact that even though it’s fallen lower, I have risen out of it and I don’t always feel like this. I know there have been times since I started running around Britain that I have felt the pride inside. And there have been times where I’ve felt radiating positivity from people around me. And for that, I really am proud.

But right now, trying to reflect on 50 days completed, I’m struggling to feel the pride or positivity.

The battle with severely negative thoughts - sadness, loneliness, anxiety, low self-esteem - is not one that is fought in a straight line. Sometimes it catches you off guard completely. Sometimes you’re sitting in your bath trying to reflect and appreciate 50 amazing days of running and next thing you know, you’re sobbing uncontrollably as you question how much good you’re actually doing.

I feel really low this evening. I might feel really low tomorrow. But that’s ok. I know more than ever (and this is something that I can thank Run Britain for) that so many people feel like this at times.

Knowing that I’m not alone in feeling quite extreme sadness doesn’t make the sadness go away. But it does make it feel less desperate.

I know how unbelievably important it is not to suffer in silence. Not to let the demons of doubt continue to do their damage. It’s ok to sit with the sadness and really feel it for a few hours. But then, tomorrow, we search for something that brings joy.

And another thing I can thank the first 50 days of Run Britain for, is showing me how much joy there is in Britain.