Day -110: “I am good - really”

Yesterday my friend Harry asked me how I was. 

It’s not a question I have ever really liked, because the answer I have given has rarely been true. 

For a long time, I didn’t realise that ‘I’m fine thanks’ was a lie. I wasn’t fine. But I was so good at pretending, I had tricked myself into thinking everything was ok. 

More recently I have been well aware that the answer ‘I’m fine’ is a straight up lie. And so I have either avoided the question given a non-committal answer. ‘Yeah ok,’ is a good one. Or ‘been better, been worse’ - that’s a safe bet, unless anyone dares dig into how much worse.

But yesterday when Harry asked me how I was doing, I said ‘I’m good’. And I meant it. 

I was surprised by my answer and it probably reflected in my tone, because Harry thought I was being sarcastic. I suppose he was also a bit confused about me being ‘good’ when he (and now everyone else) knows how far from good I have been at points in the last year.

But really, honestly, I am good. And my goodness that feels nice after such a long time of not being anywhere near good. 

It also feels like a milestone. A re-set point. A shift in gears. I’m waking up feeling energised (arguably too much) by what the day has in store and excited about tomorrow and the next day. 

There is still an element of caution. I know where my mind can take me when it becomes overwhelmed. And the last few days of messages of support, offers of help and commiserations for the more troubling parts of the last few months, have been overwhelming. 

But it is so nice to be excited about what comes next, after so long spent being terrified of it.